shed

its tuesday, and i feel good.
a fresh breath of air has swirled its way through my body, invigorating me and causing a state of peace simultaneously.
i am sanquine that this feeling persists, as the acerbicness of the last few months has left a tart shell around my body which i am currently shedding.
shedding. shedding.

monday.
there is a cloudy blanket covering the sky this morning, temps have dropped a few degrees.
i have alot to be thankful for.
i have my health.
i have my family and their health.
i have forest and rex.
i have a place to live, free of rent.
i have food to eat.
i have a soft bed to sleep in.
i have a car that runs.
my mind has taken a vacation... hopefully i find that soon.

red nails

well its day two of this therapeutic writing process i have assigned to myself.
i am not feeling too great this morning. better than most days but not as good as i'd like to feel. part of me just isn't completely happy. and at this point, i don't even know why. is it things that have set me off in the past that i cant get over completely? or is it that i am just not happy with my life as it is and i am just refusing to give up on it?
i have my first psycho therapy session today. preceeding my facial and after my nails get shelaced a bright shiny red.
festive for the holidays. at least my nails will be in the spirit of christmas. the rest of me falls somewhere on the wayside.

puzzled

well im back. i wish i could say that with gusto. but its more of a drawn out, lack-luster, sighed out greeting.
im back, meaning back to writing, because i feel i need to. i've lost so many pieces of myself along the way, that you can hardly make out the whole puzzle picture anymore. i'm scattered, i'm lost, and i'm disorganized.
writing has always brought me some sort of peace and a way back to understanding myself. so me writing now, is more of a therapy than anything else.
its hard for me to even post this after i write it, because i want my 'millions' of readers to think i'm well.
so. there's nothing new here. i've been to this place within myself before. i like to call it my perfect nightmare, where the days are as dark as the nights...where the sinister pains that lurk inside of me show their many fearful faces...where i push when i want to hold close, where i am green with jealousy, red with anger, blue with sadness. where i literally create this world around me, comprised of nothing more than my worst fears imaginable. come true.
and thats where i am right now.
i have created this world around me. i have created this misery and the pain. it doesn't need to be like this.
the only times i ever feel like this are when i am in love.
so, here i am again. i start out with this unparalleled, practically super-human strength, and not long after...i am a hollowed out shell of what i used to be.
so here i am, left with the casing of julia. and the casing is even deteriorating. i can't seem to pull myself together, even as i watch my dreams fall through my fingers.