boy oh boy

wednesday. the 10th of september.

i am 2 weeks away from my due date. I am gonna have a baby in 2 weeks. I can hardly wrap my mind around it....spose its best to wrap my heart around it instead.

i have two beautiful midwives, carrie and heather. Fern Creek Midwifery is in kalispell, MT-residing on California St. i wanted to have my baby in the state of california, to keep my lineage going. i guess california street will have to work.

this pregnancy has been quite a struggle, but im here. i made it. i think its gonna be a boy. when i go to that place and connect with him, it brings tears to my eyes.

boring entry.

saturday night greets me tonight like a lukewarm bath. i don't want want to play.
the lure is stifled by realistic expectations of debauchery and bullshit.
as enticing as that sounds this evening, i am gonna have to pass.
i have big plans this evening. eating butternut squash and pan fried zucchini-maybe gettin crazy and taking a hot shower... i might even read another chapter in my book.

Naked.

sometimes in life, we need to lay the law down dont we? we need to tell it like it is, from our hearts. speak our truths.


im realizing, at a turtles pace, that my true companions are few and far between. will you listen to me when my heart weeps yet my lips fall silent? or do you nudge your way into the allure of your own voice?


its a lonely road, i am on. where values are stifled by the dull roar of the collective.
where energy is consumed into a black hole that offers no light in return. where progress is impeded by road blocks disguised as 'friends.'


well the time has come to clean house.


and i'm doing it naked. with nothing more than a mallet in my hand.

venus

today was a lunar eclipse.
venus's transit across the sun.

wont happen again for 105 years.

didn't get to see it.
clouds.

kind of a cruel joke mother nature.

jus sayin.

in other news...
my heart still beats its steady thump. thump.
it still races in times of fear.

and i can feel it slow down sometimes....
for no reason in particular.

my mind still takes control.
and i try not to let it.

i yearn for that ephemeral peace
that likes to dance in my day

unannounced...

and kiss me with its sweet lips.



goodnight world.
may the days ahead be woven with the sounds, the sights, the smells, the taste, and the touch of serendipity.

Serendipity means a "happy accident" or "pleasant surprise"; specifically, the accident of finding something good or useful without looking for it. The word has been voted one of the ten English words hardest to translate in June 2004 by a British translation company.[1] However, due to its sociological use, the word has been exported into many other languages.[2] Julius H. Comroe once described serendipity as : to look for a needle in a haystack and get out of it with the farmer's daughter.[3]

bogged down

so there i was.
waste deep in...thick brown sludge.
my movements are slow, stagnated.
this bog is powerful.
and will swallow me whole

if i let it.

i struggle, my pace slows.
i resist and try to clamor on to..
something.

and i sink deeper.

i scream and cry.
to who.
to you?

i flap my arms...
as if i had wings.

and the murky abyss seems to...
like this.

it smiles its crooked smile
and invites me in.
into... its dwelling.

which, after further exploration
is nothing more than....
the darkness
of
my own
mind
.

mothers daze

per a family members request, i am writing this morning...or should i say AFTERnoon. which brings me to a good point---->it is mothers day today. and i wouldn't have the luxury of waking in the afternoon (with the only pressing matter being my french press as it presses down my coffee grounds) if i WERE a mother.

so, i hope all the mommies out there have a special day, but lets be honest...shouldn't every day be mothers day?

strange we need to 'set a day' aside to lavish flowers and gifts on our mothers...does that mean that we can set aside the other 364 days out of the year to underappreciate?
just sayin.

i think im too selfish for children anyways. god probably looked down upon me and said, nope. not even a child will curb her selfish ways...that was a halfway joke...intended to be funny cuz it holds specks of despairing truth. hey i laughed.

im actually okay with that though. for the longest time i thought it would take a family, a man, children, to complete me in this life. in a traditional sense, i suppose we are. but the more reality takes its perverbial bat to my head, the more i realize that i, actually, am okay without kids and the family and the structure and all of that.

and fairytales? really...? get real. if you believe in fairytales, you should also believe in flying monkeys and honest politics.

yes yes, the tone of this entry has once again meandered down the oh so familiar road of brash cynicism...didn't mean to take you there...but here we are.

on another note, there is a small child who has been growling, yes growling, for the last 30 minutes just outside of my window and quite remarkably sounds like what i would picture the offspring of a hyena and a crazed wildebeast to sound like.

and with that being said, i will undoubtedly enjoy my next strong cup of pressed coffee as i leave you with this exert i wrote for my sister this morning:

"happy mothers day is that poo?
happy mothers day is that poo?
happy mothers day dear god it issss....
happy mothers day it is poo."

shed

its tuesday, and i feel good.
a fresh breath of air has swirled its way through my body, invigorating me and causing a state of peace simultaneously.
i am sanquine that this feeling persists, as the acerbicness of the last few months has left a tart shell around my body which i am currently shedding.
shedding. shedding.