well im back. i wish i could say that with gusto. but its more of a drawn out, lack-luster, sighed out greeting.
im back, meaning back to writing, because i feel i need to. i've lost so many pieces of myself along the way, that you can hardly make out the whole puzzle picture anymore. i'm scattered, i'm lost, and i'm disorganized.
writing has always brought me some sort of peace and a way back to understanding myself. so me writing now, is more of a therapy than anything else.
its hard for me to even post this after i write it, because i want my 'millions' of readers to think i'm well.
so. there's nothing new here. i've been to this place within myself before. i like to call it my perfect nightmare, where the days are as dark as the nights...where the sinister pains that lurk inside of me show their many fearful faces...where i push when i want to hold close, where i am green with jealousy, red with anger, blue with sadness. where i literally create this world around me, comprised of nothing more than my worst fears imaginable. come true.
and thats where i am right now.
i have created this world around me. i have created this misery and the pain. it doesn't need to be like this.
the only times i ever feel like this are when i am in love.
so, here i am again. i start out with this unparalleled, practically super-human strength, and not long after...i am a hollowed out shell of what i used to be.
so here i am, left with the casing of julia. and the casing is even deteriorating. i can't seem to pull myself together, even as i watch my dreams fall through my fingers.
